Realising what you have, once it’s gone
by Mione-Jane-Weasley
Summary: RHR fic even if it doesn't seem to be. From Hermione's POV after the great battle. Not everyone gets a happy ending.
1. Who am I?

**Title:** Realising what you have, once it's gone

**Rating:** PG-13 (I think :b)

**Authors notes:** Well this will, eventually, be a R/HR fic. Actually it is all the way through but what I should have said is, they will get together eventually.

What happens when you know something is wrong but you can't seem to let go? What do you do when the person you love is only loving half of you? What do you do when that person promised themselves to you, and you to them? Do you continue to live the lie, to keep up the act that everyone else seems to believe? Or do you walk away and never look back? These are the questions I face everyday and honestly, it seems I've lost apart of myself with these thoughts. I was always one for questions, it's true but there seemed to be no questions that I couldn't find the answer to.

I don't know how it got like this, it seemed to fall into place and it seemed like the right thing to do. Everyone was doing it, thinking that it would be their last chance to find someone before the great battle. Now that I think back on it, I'm starting to think whether I meant any of it at all. Maybe I thought I'd never have to live with the consequences of my actions because, frankly, I didn't think I would have a life to look forward too. It wasn't always this way, we were happy in the beginning, it seemed we could face the world together and we did, literally. We had Harry and we fought side by side, all three of us. I remember it like it was yesterday no matter how hard I try to forget that fateful day.

_The sky had grown dark and was stained with red as the sun slowly began to set. Red. The colour that would soon stain the ground and forever change the meaning of life for me. Lights seemed to be firing in all directions, screams of pain and pleas for help were everywhere. There was just so much pain, so much terror. The trio which I once treasured seemed to dissolve within seconds in the destruction that lay before me. I wanted to go, to go with him to make sure everything would be alright but I couldn't. I had my job and he had his. "He told me" I repeated to myself over and over, as I tried to muster the strength to repeat the spell. I tried to help, I really did. I said the spell, over and over to try and give Harry safe passage through the battle and straight to Voldemort. I thought I could handle this but I'd never faced so much death in my life, people begged and pleaded to me for help but I couldn't. I just kept repeating that damn spell! _

I shot up suddenly in my bed, clammy complexion and hair matted. A single tear slowly slid down my cheek as I inhaled sharply. "It was just a dream" I assured myself in a weak whisper but I couldn't be further from the truth. That had happened 5 years ago, when I was no more that 17. The day that changed the wizarding world forever, the falling of the Dark Lord "but what was the cost?" I muttered as I hear my husband grunt in his sleep. The trade mark red hair was scattered across the pillow and the moonlight that crept through the curtain illuminated his features beautifully. Why did that face not reassure me as it once did? Why had the arms that use to offer me safety and warmth, instead now only offered me a feeling that resembled the freezing mornings of winter? My face is nothing more than a blank expression, like a book full of faded, empty pages. I'm merely a shell of who I once was, and who do I blame? The man lying next to me. I know it's wrong and I don't doubt that I love him but one of us has changed. Why is it that you can remember the bad times like the drop of the hat but it seems the good times simply fade away into the grey? That's how I feel, faded and jaded.

Wiping the tear from my face I stand, shuffle across the room as the moonlight gives me safe passage to the bathroom. Shutting the door I come face to face with what is wrong with my life. My reflection. Blaming Ron wasn't the answer, the shadow of a woman is what's to blame. I reach out to touch the mirror, hoping that again this is another dream and I'll wake up back to how things were, but alas my fingers touch the sheet of cold glass. My finger-tips linger for a few moments, trying to feel anything but the cold that has entered my heart. At first I thought it was normal, that most newly weds feel like this even after facing such a disaster but as the years past I knew this wasn't right. For weeks after he left us I simply locked myself in my room and Ron did the same, we didn't speak for weeks except for a gesture or two but as time past he seemed to deal with it. He wasn't the same, I never thought he would be but he was getting better. That's what I loved about him, he had so much strength no matter how much he tried to deny it.

The shadow of a smile tugged loosely at my lips but is soon disappeared as I thought about everything I'd done to try and feel something again. Anything, except for this emptiness and nothingness. Nothing seemed to work, I even tried sleuthing with the enemy and if anything I felt worse. I didn't feel angry over the fact I'd slept with him, the man who had done nothing but make me feel like crap from the day I met him. Draco Malfoy. He wanted to hurt Ron as much as possible and I wanted to feel something that I'd not felt with Ron for a long, long time. Yet still nothing. I didn't tell Ron, I wanted to but I couldn't come to make myself do it.

I've come to realise that if I want to change, I need to cut off the past. That's the thing that has been haunting me for the past five years and I can't do that with Ron. I can't cling on to my past feelings for him.

I know now, that the day Harry died, was the day he took me with him.

I glance at myself one last time "I deserve it" I say to myself before I slowly slide down the wall and curl into a ball "It's all my fault….."

**Authors notes:** Okay, honesty please. Do you like it, hate it? Is it too much information for my first chapter, or too little? Lost on anything? Hate my writing? Please review it :)


	2. The truth

**Authors notes:** Even though I only got 1 review (Thanks eckles) I thought I'd update. Smeh. I have no life :P

**Rating:** PG-13

I find myself on the cold floor, light finding its way through the window to heat my skin. My eyelids flutter open at the sound of movement "Hermione" I hear him call to me as his footsteps come closer to the door. "Hermione" he repeats, his tone more rough as the door-knob slowly turns. He looks at me like I'm crazy, lying in a silk night dress, on a white tiled floor, in the middle of winter. I don't blame him, how could I? If my past self was to look upon what I had become, I'd probably have slapped myself black and blue. All that from a look. It seemed to resolve my choice even more.

I can still read his face like a book and he mine. His brow was furrowed as he looked me up and down but my expression doesn't change. "Ron" I say feebly while getting to my feet "we need to talk" It was as if I had said the magic words because he answered as I had not expected "I know"

His gaze remains fixated on mine, as if he is hanging on my every word. He knows what is coming, I feel it, but the words don't come out. I want to tell him that I love him and always will but tell him that his love isn't enough for me. I want to blame him, but yet blame myself for keeping up this lie. I want him….but I need to be able to love myself again before I can love him. That's the problem, how is it possible to give love to another when you have none for yourself?

I feel my eyes burn as I push back tears, averting my gaze from him. I keep telling myself he needs to hear these words, he needs to know how I feel. "Ron" I repeat even weakly, he doesn't answer "I…" I stumble over my words "this has to end"

I look back to him, his face is filled with such love, yet pain and confusion. It mirrors my own. Funny how I'd planned everything to say for years and yet when the time comes my mind is blank.

I want him to answer me, to get angry, anything but the silence that now faced me, yethe doesn't answer. He simply turns away and walks through the door, grabbing his coat and leaves the apartment. Hearing the door slam a gush of tears pour down my face, as if they were never going to end.

I want this, I kept reassuring as I forced my legs to take control and walk out of the bathroom. I didn't want to be here when he got back, he knew better than to think twice about what I had just said. He was never one to fight, for me that is. Maybe that's what I want? For some recognition that he actually still wants me, and loves me? Wiping my eyes again, I stumble through my wardrobe tofind something tochange into thenthrow some clothes in a bag, take my keys and mimic his actions.

"The only problem is, where do I go?" I questioned myself as I pull out my phone and ring the only number that comes into my head. No matter how I feel about it, it was my only option.

"Hello, I need…." I stop because I already receive my answer "Thanks" I say quietly as I walk down the block of stairs and onto the street to wait. It seems to be the only thing I ever do.

**Authors notes:** Even shorter I think but what do you think? Please review, is it going to fast or slow??


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